youre lurking in front of me
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
