Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
