My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
