i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
