Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
