I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
