why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
should my penis look like a turkey
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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