I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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