Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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