saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
