My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
