i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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