He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
