I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
