just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.