what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
