im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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