I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
