My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
