I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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