my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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