you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
