I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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