I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
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official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
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Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize