Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
