I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Randomize
