I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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