I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
