So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
