I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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