new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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