Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
