I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
