life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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