doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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