An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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