We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
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It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
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However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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