i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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