theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
i think i just lost a toe
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