Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
