I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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