I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
