I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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