I skipped work to stalk him.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
