Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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