i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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