dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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