RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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