I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
