Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
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When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
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And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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