i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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