Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
