thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
