I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
