dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
