I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
