I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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