I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
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Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
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Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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