My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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