I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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