he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
