just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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